Precipitation

I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible, and how it can actually ache in places you didn’t know you had inside you, and it doesn’t matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends… you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong, or how you could have misunderstood, and how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he’ll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you’ll go somewhere new, and you’ll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again, and little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade. –Iris (the holiday)

Life has been going at a frantic pace over here and I’ve been working out what is going to give. I realised the symptoms so I took some time off work. This turned out to be a positive move but I’ve spent the weekend in contemplation and I’m no closer to answers than I was when I started…

What I do know is that I have a bad habit of going for what I want. The problem is not that I go for what I want, rather in it looking like I’m pushing other people and holding on too tight. I’m somewhat scared that if I let go I’ll go splat. That denotes a lack of trust in God. I want to change that about me, so despite being terrified, I’m going to start backing off in one of my relationships. I think it will be the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

I’ve spoken lots to God about the relationship and the main thing I’m getting told is to wait. I guess that means God is doing something with me in this time. That is the single most hardest thing for an impatient person to hear especially when it’s particularly important to you.

This week I’ve also had to farewell a friend who is going overseas. I didn’t realise how much this friendship meant to me. I made time to tell them how I felt today. I don’t know exactly why, but I feel things will be vastly different when they return.

With that thought, I think I should try and get some sleep. With all the stress and holding on, I haven’t been sleeping the best or eating a lot (great for the personal remodelling but not so good for the overall package). While I’ve kept up with my blog reading, I’m sorry I haven’t made the time to comment much recently. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayed for.